Posted by: angelseashore | January 19, 2011

open enough to feel .. just feel

For the past months, I left my blog silent.  I had a hard time checking emails, phone messages, responding to cards, text messages, and had no concern for myself.  I was awful to myself and my loved ones felt it.  I did not cry.  I was not angry.  I was not sad.  I was depressed.  It paralyzed me from feeling anything really.  All I could do was to avoid things, people, places, and anything that required me to be human. 

It’s been a month since I started therapy again.  Always the skeptic, I asked my therapist if I was a hopeless case.  He surprised me by saying that I was making excellent progress.  He said that I was not the same person I was a month ago.  He’s right. 

I was watching one of the characters on Celebrity Rehab finally say good-bye to her fiancee who died in the World Trade Center 10 years ago.  For the first time in many months,  I felt a feeling.  I cried for her and for me.  My heart is open again – not all the way but enough to think about Riley and for the love I have for my daughter in heaven. 

I realize that I’m not done grieving for her.  But I’m okay.  And maybe I’ll feel total joy again one day though I don’t feel it right this second.  I’m working on it one day at a time.



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