For the past months, I left my blog silent. I had a hard time checking emails, phone messages, responding to cards, text messages, and had no concern for myself. I was awful to myself and my loved ones felt it. I did not cry. I was not angry. I was not sad. I was depressed. It paralyzed me from feeling anything really. All I could do was to avoid things, people, places, and anything that required me to be human.
It’s been a month since I started therapy again. Always the skeptic, I asked my therapist if I was a hopeless case. He surprised me by saying that I was making excellent progress. He said that I was not the same person I was a month ago. He’s right.
I was watching one of the characters on Celebrity Rehab finally say good-bye to her fiancee who died in the World Trade Center 10 years ago. For the first time in many months, I felt a feeling. I cried for her and for me. My heart is open again – not all the way but enough to think about Riley and for the love I have for my daughter in heaven.
I realize that I’m not done grieving for her. But I’m okay. And maybe I’ll feel total joy again one day though I don’t feel it right this second. I’m working on it one day at a time.