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Man, oh man.. I survived the biggest bout of depression since the first few months after I lost Riley.  I’m alive and I guess that’s all that matters.  Hopefully 2011 will be my year for COMPLETE healing.  I’m back in therapy and working really hard to iron out my fears of losing another baby.. of my life.. of myself..  It’s been good.

I went back to my pregnancy loss support group after 1 whole year.  It’s been a year yet my hands took the wheel and I found myself at the meeting like it was second nature.  I walked the quiet hall to the small room where both agony and healing take place simultaneously.  The minute I see people in the room, my heart automatically breaks.   I know the journey they are going to go through.  But I also feel like I’m home when I enter the room.  Only parents who have lost a baby truly know the crazy emotions and thoughts that flow through our minds and bodies.

For the first time, I went not because I NEEDED to but because I WANTED to.  Riley danced in my mind all weekend and I took that as a sign to go and share my story.  To let babylost mamas and papas that as dark as the road to healing is, it comes- – that’s a guarantee.  Patience and time are the remedies for grief.  I went for Riley because I didn’t want her short life to have been in vain.  It felt so good to talk about her through my tears.  Sometimes I forget to think about her.  I used to feel guilty about that.  2 years later, I know that true healing has taken place.  I don’t need to constantly think of her because she is embedded in my heart.. she’s a part of my soul.  It feels good that I don’t feel so much guilt anymore.

Is  my life completely fulfilled?  Absolutely not.  Am I getting there?  Yes, albeit VERY slowly.  Can’t put a time limit on healing I’ve learned so I’m taking it at my pace and remembering to live life everyday.  This means that I must interact with people aside from my husband and dogs (I know they’re not people but they may as well be). 

To all the new babylost mamas and papas – I’m so sorry for your loss.  You can’t hear that enough.  Healing is around the corner so hang in there.

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