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We’ve all pondered the meaning of life at some point, right?  What was I put on this earth to do.. to accomplish?  The answer to that question has changed throughout my life as I’ve lived life.  It has altered with my experiences.  When I went through  my major bout of depression in high school, it was to help depressed teens around me.  When I went through my religious crises, it was to find what my fundamental beliefs were.  After suffering my first panic attack, it was to find a way to cope.. to get through each day without inhaling large amounts of xanax.  When I was a victim of domestic abuse, I just wanted the strength to get out.  When I married, it was to find meaning in my life aside from what my husband could fulfill.  After finding out I was pregnant, my purpose was to get okay with myself before I could mother a baby.  When I lost my baby, I sought out comfort and the courage to make it through the darkness and sadness.  So where am I now?  What is my purpose??

Part of the reason I started this blog was to provide information and support for parents who were going to have to make the choice to terminate a pregnancy due to a poor prenatal diagnosis.  It was a way for me to give people hope and see that babyloss and terminating a pregnancy in particular are devastating but you find a way to survive.  Never once did I think that I would change someone’s belief on abortion. It’s hard to change someone’s belief system.

In the last month, I’ve had two acquaintences tell me that my story has changed their mind about abortion .. that it’s not as black and white as they once believed it to be.  That there is a whole community of us who chose to terminate but really didn’t have a choice because it was a much loved and wanted pregnancy.  They never saw the human side of abortion beyond the propaganda behind posters and signs and pictures of fetuses and emotionally charged jargon.  I, along with many babylost mamas and papas are the human side.  Everyday, we feel pain and grief  for the baby that we don’t hold in our arms.  You see, technically we had a choice but in our hearts, we didn’t have  a choice at all..

So for now, for today.. the purpose of my existence is to share my story..  with the hope that I’m doing my daughter proud and that her life was not lived in vain.  And if I help someone along the way, I couldn’t be more touched..

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