Like this:

This morning, I was doing some light cleaning because I have relatives visiting today.  I made my way around the living room dusting the television, the lamps, the table and then.. I got to Riley’s table.  This small table which I set up a few weeks after losing my daughter Riley.  Sadly, I have too little to remind me of her as she left us when I was 5 months pregnant.  Too little time to gather precious and meaningful mementos of our time together. 

I do have candles I’ve lit for her over the last year and a half, stuffed animals that friends have given me, a Christmas ornanment with her name on it that we put on the tree last year.  There is also the framed hand and footprint with her name on it.. it’s not Riley’s prints though because we never got to physically see her.  When a friend brought her set of hand and footprints to our pregnancy loss support group, I could not let go of it and she made a copy of her daughter’s and and footprints and framed them for me.  We lost at the same time so I suppose Riley’s hands and feet would have been that size.

I couldn’t believe how filthy the table was.. how dirty I’d let it get over the last months.  Dust covered the few things I have of her and those precious items have been shifted and moved around.  This is the same table that I sat staring at for hours trying to remember how it felt to have Riley in my belly, thinking about the future that we would’ve had together.  I would meticulously dust and rearrange the items so that they were just so.. as I would have straightened Riley’s clothes and smoothed out her hair and gently wiped her face.  I cared for those items as if it were my baby.  It was and is all I have.

My heart is filled with sadness as I see how I neglected her items.  I haven’t sat with her in awhile.  I haven’t looked at her ultrasound pictures (all three of them).  I haven’t taken the time to remember. 

I know I think about her multiple times a day and I know she is with me always.. but I haven’t made it a point to sit with her.  I feel pretty shitty about that.  I know that this is all part of the grieving process and my therapist would tell me that this is a sign of healing and moving forward.  While I understand that it is good that I’m not sobbing every day, I feel like I’m forgetting her.. that one day I won’t remember the joy she brought me as my husband and I watched her moving in my belly in the darkened room.  How we held hands as we dreamt of a new and exciting life to come with OUR baby.

I’m not going to let this derail me.  I’m going to light a candle for her tonight and look through her ultrasound pictures.  I’ve been wanting to for weeks but was afraid of returning to that dark pit of grief.  Since I’m feeling meloncholy already, now’s the time to remember.. really remember.

Here’s a song for Riley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30_vA5j0KWo&feature=related

Anyone else want to light a candle with me?  It seems more powerful.. the thought of many candles being lit with the same intentions of remembering..