If you look at the big picture, life is made up of many microscopic moments.  Too many to remember them all.  You remember significant moments.  My biggies? Myfirst kiss, my first crush, the day I got married, an amazing view while on vacation, the day I found out I was pregnant.. Of all those moments, my life revolves around a single moment in time.  This moment being the day my daughter Riley left this earth.  All the other moments of my life since that dreaded day is dependent on it.  

My hubby and my wedding aniversary is November 11th.  We found out that Riley had severe hydrocephalus on November 13th.  None of our wedding anniversarieds will ever be the same.  After deciding to terminate our much wanted pregnancy, I had my D & E on November 20th.  Now it’s very difficult to give thanks on Thanksgiving when our daughter was taken from us so close to that holiday.  December is hard because I start thinking about gifts that I would’ve gotten her and how we would’ve dressed her up in a cute Christmas outfit.  January is the month of my birthday and it just doesn’t seem the same anymore.  What is there to celebrate anyway?  Then comes Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.. sucks wind!!  We are parents, yet we’re not.  You can’t celebrate it and then you can’t NOT celebrate it.  Such confusing days.  Then there is her expected due date - that’s the most painful of all the days because you measure where she would be had she lived.  She would be one now.. talking and walking.  She should be two now.. the terrible twos.. She should be 5 now.. entering kindergarten.. And so it goes on and on.  This is my life for the rest of my life.  I realize that each year will get slightly easier but the point is that you can’t live life in the same way anymore.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

On the one hand, hopefully I’m a better person for having Riley in my life though only in the spirit world.  I still take life for granted sometimes.. let’s face it many times.. and I’m certainly nowhere near enlightenment.  However, I have to believe that I am closer to it now than I would be having gone through such a tragedy in my life.  Okay, so I’ll tell you the whole truth.  This is how I explain things to myself.. make a weak attempt at trying to figure out why I had to lose my daughter.  Why did this crummy, horrible thing have to happen to me?  Again, who knows what the answer is really.  We just rationalize until the pain gets less intense and repeat the process until it’s bearable.

I’ve gotten to know many babylost mamas and papas since last November.  Some only through the internet.  But the bond that we share surpasses the fact that I’ll probably never meet most of them in person.  We “get” each others’ pain.  I’m saddened to write that there have been many subsequent losses for my new friends.  For that, words cannot express how sorry I am.  To experience baby loss once is hard enough but to lose multiple times seems so so unjust.  

All I can do is let life revolve around these moments of time and clutch onto the first buoy I see -whatever that looks like for me. Some grab onto to spirituality.  Mine is broken at the moment.  Some grab onto family.  I find that somehow the buoy comes to me in very mysterious ways.  To all the baby lost mamas and papas and especially to those who have had a subsequent loss, every nook and cranny of my heart goes out to you.

 ”Hold On” by Sarah Maclachlan is my go-to song when I feel emotional and broken.  These lines of the song gets me: “Hold on, hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell.. Hold on, hold on to yourself, only time will tell..”  Somehow, my heart feels a little less broken after I listen to it.  It was written for a woman whose husband was dying of AIDS.  Losing a spouse is losing your present.  Losing a child is like losing your present and the future that you had planned for your baby and the life s/he would have lead. 

Here is the song.. I hope it brings you peace.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccYFWcqBNS4