“Acoustic Number 3″ – Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming?
No one’s listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
‘Cause she’s got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
‘Cause the world got in her way
What’s the point in ever trying?
Nothing’s changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you’re falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
‘Cause the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming?
You’re not listening anyway

Listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRJfO78kfHM

I’ve been living and breathing in isolation.  This is going to be a horribly difficult month…  I can’t even wrap my head around it.  This month includes the happiest and saddest days of my life.  November 11th is our wedding anniversary.  It’ll mark four years of marriage.  But last November, the happiest day of my life was overshadowed by grief.  Just two days after celebrating our wedding anniversary, on November 13, 2008 is when we found out that our daughter Riley had severe hydrocephalus.  On November 20, 2008, she left us for heaven.

One year later, I don’t know how to deal.  It’s been a year!  I’ve come far and have learned to live day by day.  There are days and sometimes weeks now where I feel almost “normal.”  There are moments when I think that I’m actually happy.  Then the next moment, I wonder how I could have the audacity to think that.  How can I be happy when my daughter died?  Am I entitled to be happy? 

I don’t want to feel the raw emotions again.  The intense sadness and pain I felt in the days, weeks, and months that followed Riley’s death.  I don’t want to go there again.  I don’t want to feel so hopeless again.  I don’t want to feel the pain.  I don’t want to be happy and then again, I don’t want to be sad.  So, how have I been dealing with all these conflicted feelings?

I’ve been isolating myself.  I go to work and try my best to stay clear of co-workers.  Restroom breaks scheduled around times when people are not around.  This has been very easy to do since 2 of my co-workers announced that they were expecting.  Now I try not to drink water so that I don’t have to go to the restroom at all.

I’ve been reluctant about phone calls, emails, and visits.  I’m paranoid that they’re all going to tell me that they’re pregnant.  If I don’t read it or hear it, maybe I won’t have to deal with my inability to conceive when I feel like it. 

I’ve isolated myself from my husband.  I’ve been avoiding talking about our wedding anniversary – because I don’t really feel like doing anything at all.  I’ve avoided talking about Riley’s Angel Day – I don’t know what to do on her day.  Nothing seems significant enough.  Nothing seems right.  What could I possibly do on her day that would be good enough?  I’ve avoided all affection, hugs, and kisses.  I don’t feel like I deserve it. 

I’ve isolated myself from my support group.  I’m so tired of telling my story.  I feel like I’ve been carrying my grief around for a million years when in fact, it has only been one.

I’ve isolated myself from all feelings.  I live in a world void of any emotion if I can help it.  Ambivalence has been my constant companion.  I’m afraid that if I allow a little bit in, the floodgates will open and I’ll find myself in the eye of the storm again.  Can my heart go through any more grief?  I don’t think that it’ll mend again.

I don’t care about being healthy mentally or physically.  I just want to say fuck it all.  I want to lie on the couch and watch mind-numbing reality t.v. and not feel a single thing.  I don’t want to check my blood sugar or take my medication.  I don’t want to do anything.

Unfortunately, the tears, the sadness, the pain, the anger, the confusion, the hopelessness of losing my daughter is seeping through the rock solid wall that I’ve put up.  It’s coming again.. stronger than ever.  I can’t do this.. I can’t do this.. I can’t think about Riley and feel the pain again.. I just can’t do it.  Yet, it wouldn’t be right not acknowledging the life of my daughter who meant so much to us… a little soul who brought joy to us for 5 months.  My daughter who I never got to meet but whose life has made me who I am.

Shit.. I’m here again.  I’m completely devastated with no answers to my questions.

On October 15th, my support group friends came over to share in the sorrow as well as the healing as we remembered our little ones in heaven.  My husband asked me what I expected of the night.. I really had no expectations other than the fact that I would probably cry.  And I did. 

A couple of us read poems about parenthood without a child, of loss, of grief, and of love.  We told stories about our babies and our experiences.  But an amazing thing happened.. we started talking about the progress that we’ve made in mending our hearts.  Don’t get me wrong.. there will always be a tear at the core and we will always be heartbroken.  But, we all healed.  It was a slow process and there are still moments when it feels so damn raw.  As I remembered each of my friends at my first support group meeting, it’s amazing to see just how we’ve come.  Our tears were infused with hope.

Our eyes were fixed on the clock because we didn’t want to be late in lighting our candles.  So at 7 pm sharp, we joined millions and millions of parents worldwide who have lost a baby, sometimes mulitple times.  As I lit my pink candle in honor of my daughter Riley, I visualized the countless sea of candles and the continuous light it created across the world.  How beautifully tragic.. 

We decided to take our candle outside so that our candles could be somehow connected to the other candles around the world.  We watched in silence as our candles burned and we cried for the little lives that should have been with us. 

Riley's candle

We placed the candles in a circle symbolizing the never-ending love we had for each other and each other’s babies.  We’ve become such a tight knit family.  My baby is theirs and theirs are mine.

circle of love

After my friends left, my husband and I placed Riley’s candle in her corner and let it burn for another hour.  We remember and love her every second of every day.  We miss you baby girl.  I can’t wait to meet you in heaven.

Riley's corner

Dancing in the rain… that’s what my friend says she’s trying to do as she lives with the grief of losing her two babies.  So, this Thursday, October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, we will dance in the rain together.  Though it will feel like rain, it’s what you do with that rain.  So, she is going to help me “dance” and remember the joy that Riley brought into my life even though it was only for 5 months and I didn’t get to meet her.  But for those 5 months, I was happy – very happy.  For my daughter, I will look up at the sky and dance under the rain that comes crashing down.

Thanks S for helping me peep out of the dark hole I put myself in yesterday.  It was dark and very deep.  When you see nothing but dark, it’s hard to see the little bit of light that comes peering through.  I am the captain of my own destiny and I’m going to steer it toward positivity and the good things in my life.  A job, a roof over my head, food in my tummy, good friends, a wonderful husband, and the love of Riley.. These are the things I need to remember every moment of each and every day.  I love you Riley – mommy is thinking of you more than ever.  Thursday night is going to be about you and only you.  I miss you so so much and wish that I got to spend even a fleeting moment with you.  Will you fill your mommy’s heart with your light? 

Haunting yet beautiful song.  My feelings set to music..

 

“Letters From the Sky” – Civil Twilight

One of these days the sky’s gonna break and everything will escape and I’ll know
One of these days the mountains are gonna fall into the sea and they’ll know
That you and I were made for this
I was made to taste your kiss
We were made to never fall away
Never fall awayFind More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
The only walls to hold me here

One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky telling us all to go free
But until that day I’ll find a way to let everybody know that you’re coming back, you’re coming back for me
‘Cause even though you left me here I have nothing left to fear
These are only walls that hold me here
Hold me here, hold me here

One day soon I’ll hold you like the sun holds the moon
And we will hear those planes overhead and we won’t have to be scared
We won’t have to be scared, we won’t have to be scared

You’re coming back for me
You’re coming back for me

listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bWeffwX6JM

October 15th is just a few days away.  This is not just another ordinary day.  It is “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.”  If you light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones and let it burn for an hour, it will create a continuous wave of light across the world.  This is amazing yet horribly sad because each candle symbolizes a baby who didn’t get to outlive his/her parents.  A baby who didn’t get to feel the earthly love of their parents for too long.  This is crushing.  My body has been “remembering” Riley intensely for over a week now.  Panic attacks and anxiety has plagued me.  I can try to trick my mind into forgetting but I can always count on my body to remember. 

So, what will I do on this significant yet sad day?  My support group friends are coming over and each of us will be lighting a candle at 7 pm and let it burn for an hour.   We will remember the lives that meant so much to us and made such an impact though not in the traditional sense.  Hopefully, there will be laughs between sobs.  Fleeting moments of joy between the disappointment.  We will love.. love our babies and each other.  No one can possibly understand the pain of losing a baby unless you’ve gone through it. 

So if you’re reading this blog, and you too have lost your baby.. light a candle for him/her at 7 pm on Thursday, October 15th.. and remember.  Just remember…  the immense love gained and lost.

Last night, three words left me a sad mess on the floor – literally.  Those words were.. Riley’s Angel Day.  I wrote those words in my planner as if I was going to forget about my daughter’s Angel Day.  At first, I got a little teary but a few hours later, I was in a full blown panic attack.  It was a three xanax panic attack.  It was so bad that I literally dropped to the floor and stayed there rocking back and forth dizzy and scared.  If I’m like this now, what shape will I be in next month?  I can’t believe that it’ll be a year.. it seems like the longest year of my life yet I can’t believe that 11 months have come and gone.  As I sat on the floor, I dreamed of seeing Riley and what she looks like now.  Is she still an infant frozen in time?  Is she a year old?  That got me to singing “At Last” by Celine Dion.  I imagined that I got to finally see her, hold her, talk to her, sing to her..  and that helped me snap out of my panic. 

At last
my love has come along
my lonely days over
and life is like a song

Ooh, yeah, yeah
At last
the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
the night I looked at you

I found a dream
that I could speak to
A dream that I
can call my own
I found a thrill
to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Ohh, yeah, yeah

You smile
you smile
Ooh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine at last

Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KophuMRffdA&feature=related

D & D, if you’re reading this.. I’m thinking of Audrey too.  I’m sure that they’re playing together up in the clouds.

I’ve been working really hard to get my body in tip-top shape.  One, I was feeling horrible about myself but I wanted to lose as much weight (or in my case, inches) before my endocrinologist puts me on the insulin pump.  Once I’m on insulin, my body will most likely naturally hold on to the fat in my body which will mean that it’ll be very difficult to shed more pounds/inches. 

Now, I was never a thin gal.. I was always big-boned, well-fed, curvy.. During my 5 months of pregnancy, I only gained 6 pounds.  However, after my heartbreaking medical termination, I fell into a deep, dark, depression and ate myself through it.  30 lbs is what I gained AFTER the loss of my pregnancy.  Before we started training, 43% of my body consisted of fat.  Oh my gosh – my body was almost half fat, the other half was  I don’t know what because it wasn’t muscle.  After 8 months of training and eating right (most of the time), I’m down to 29%.  4% more and I’ll be at an “acceptable” level of fat. 

Most importantly, I feel so much healthier.  Heck.. I even spiffed up and got dressy in a sexy number for dinner at the Hometown Buffet (hee hee).  I don’t get out much.  Besides a wedding, it’s been loose fitting clothes for me.  Not anymore… bom chicka bom bom.  Chuckling at my silliness as I type.  I’m just glad that I’m doing something good for my body and soul.  I feel pretty darn good and that in itself is an accomplishment after the horribly tragic year I’ve had with the death of my daughter.  I hope that I will continue to have happiness and hope come my way..

My ipod has been overworked lately.  I’ve been giving myself music therapy.  It’s what I do when I don’t know what I’m feeling exactly.  My ipod actually froze up today, right in the middle of a song.. no kidding.  As one song played after another, one really touched my heart.  It brought a tear or two to my eyes.  It’s a bittersweet love song, as the song says, a story of a broken heart between Riley and me.  Many times I wished that my touch, my love could make Riley’s hydrocephalus go away somehow.  But here I am trying to remember all the details of every doctor’s appointment, every sonogram, every moment of joy she brought into my life.  Anger has turned into sadness again.

Lyrics to Stay With Me :
[Verse 1]
Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don’t Let Me Go
Cause I Can’t Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I’ve Built My World Around You
And I Don’t Wanna Know What’s It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Verse 2]
I’m Trying And Hoping, For The Day
When my touch is enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I’ve Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
We’ll be OK if We Don’t Let It Disappear

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don’t let Me go
Cause I Can’t Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I’ve Built My World Around You
And I Don’t Wanna Know What’s it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Verse 3]
I’ve searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We’d Always
And Never Go Away
That’s Why I Need You To Stay

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don’t let Me go
Cause I Can’t Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I’ve Built My World Around You
And I Don’t Wanna Know What’s It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Fades]
oooo.. oh oh
don’t leave
so I stay waiting in the dark…

listen to it here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLxwIBzSJsE

I’ve been driving around in my car listening to “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine.  Does that sum up how I’ve been feeling today?  I just want to smoke a cigarette and drink until I pass out.  Both of which I didn’t do.  I’m irritated.  I’m irritated because 10 months and 6 days into my grief, I broke down crying and in front of my co-workers.  God, I hate that!  I hate it when people see me crying.  This is something I do in private with just me, myself, and I – alone!

I was sitting at an all day meeting.. it was boring as usual and of course I couldn’t eat anything because everything was too “carby” for me.  So, I sat with a cup of coffee trying to keep my mind focused.  Then I see a co-worker sneak in with her 16 month old baby.  To a staff meeting???  Why????  And as irony would have it, she sat right in front of me and I’m face-to-face with her baby.  It didn’t bother me at first but the baby just stared at me and very intently.  She waved at me, smiled at me, squinted her eyes at me.  At me and only me.  She was transfixed on me.  Then she blew a single kiss to me and turned her head around.  That killed me.  Just destroyed me.  Then the thought that I’ve been trying to avoid hit me like a ton of bricks.. “I miss my Riley.” 

I managed to not go into a full sob until the next break.  My friend who was sitting next to me noticed the tears welling up in my eyes.  She looked at me and then at the baby.  She put two and two together and realized why I was crying.  She dragged me to the parking lot and I cried and cried.  My friend said that it was Riley blowing me that kiss and that the co-worker’s baby sensed that I was missing my own baby.  I didn’t care what the reason was.. I didn’t want a spiritual or philosophical explanation.  At the root of it all was the feeling of how unfair it was that I didn’t have my Riley here.  Just so damn, fucking, unfair.  So, since I couldn’t drown my sorrows in one of my normal vices, I drove around aimlessly listening to angry music feeling irritated at the world.  I know the song has nothing to do with baby loss.. it’s actually a pretty rough song about police brutality.  But it was angry and damnit, I needed to hear it over and over and over again.

Today, I wish I weren’t here.  I wish I were in heaven with my baby.  A mom is supposed to be with her child.  A mom is supposed to be taking care of her, nourishing her, loving her.  She shouldn’t be sobbing, writing a blog about her experience of having a baby that died.  This is so unnatural.  How the hell am I going to make it another day and then another and then another???